and so it goes
by Elm02
Summary: Songfic, 1x2, yaoi, Heero POV


Author: Elm  
Pairing: 1x2  
Rating: PG 13  
Warning: yaoi, songfic  
Song: And so it goes by Billy Joel  
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or this song.   
This is a YAOI songfic, which means same sex relationship. Please review!  
Lyrics are in _italics.  
  
  
______…and so it goes…  
  
___

_            I'm having that dream again. The one where I try to open my eyes, but they are just so heavy. I hear people screaming and I want to help, except for that fact that I'm blind to them. The screaming gets worse, and I try harder to force my eyes to open. Suddenly I'm wrenched back to consciousness by a different kind of scream. As I hear it again I realize that this scream is more personal, something I know well, not like the distant and cold screams from my dream. _

            As I shake the last bit of drowsiness from myself I hear whimpering coming from the next room. I get up and make my way into the hall only to be met by a half opened door with the sounds of crying coming from within. As I enter I hear Duo cry out a name, Solo. I sit next to him on the bed and shake his shoulder until he starts to wake up. He opens his tear filled eyes and blushes at his weakened state. 

  
"I'm sorry if I woke you up." he mutters. 

  
"Hn" I reply as I get up and saunter back to my room. 

  
  
_In every heart there is a home,  
__A sanctuary safe and strong.__  
__To heal the wounds,  
__From lovers past.__  
__Until a new one comes along.___

_   
  
            I've been up since three, I just couldn't go back to sleep. I got up and decided to read the news on my laptop, and so I've been sitting here for three hours staring at the screen but not really seeing. I can't stop thinking about those cries, and how sad he looked. I look up as Duo walks into the kitchen. He's wearing black silk boxers and an old well worn t-shirt. For some reason I just can't force my eyes back to the screen, and I watch as he walks to the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of juice. _

  
"I was going to make some breakfast…" He offers as he pulls a glass out of the cabinet.

  
"No thanks." I coldly reply as I look down at my laptop, trying my best not to stare.

            It's been a year now, which we've lived in this house together as roommates. After the Marimaiya incident it became painfully clear that I had no idea how to live a life without war. Duo had been with Hilde before that, working in her salvage yard, but after everything was resolved he decided to stay with me. I think that he really didn't know what to do with himself either, but he would never have admitted to it. Together we used money we had acquired during the war to buy a house in a nice neighborhood that wasn't too far from downtown, and Duo's nightlife. I had started working out of the house designing web pages for a few big name companies. Duo got a job as a bouncer at a night club, but only worked two nights a week. All the other time he spent with me loafing around the house, or with Quatre, his best friend.

            I watch over my laptop as Duo scurries around the kitchen. His eyes alone tell of the sleepless night and silent mourning. I sat there torn as to what I should do. He looks like a shell of his former self. All his emotions had been sucked dry by sleepless nights. I look down at my laptop and before I know what I am doing I have already said the words.

  
"Solo would want you to be happy, Duo." I simply state.  
  


          Duo turns in shock to look at me and my presumptuousness. A look of surprise and anger played across his delicate features.

  
"I would thank you kindly to stay out of my business Heero." He snaps. "What would you know about happiness?"  
  


            I stare at him blankly, watching as the wariness in his violet eyes is replaced with a spark of annoyance. At that moment the phone rang, Duo picked up. 

  
"Oh hey Quatre! Nope, no breakfast yet. Yeah sure I'll meet you there."  
  


            After hanging up he looks back to me and we stare blankly at one another for what seems like forever. Finally he breaks away.

  
"I'm sorry about before. I haven't been getting enough sleep." He offers.  
  


            He leaves the kitchen and returns a few minutes later in a sweater and grey slacks. His braid is disheveled and knotted.  
  
"I'm going to get coffee with Quatre, I'll be back later."

  
With that Duo grabs his jacket and is out the door, leaving me alone with my self loathing.

  
  
_I spoke to you in cautious tones.  
__You answered me with no pretense.  
__And still I feel I said too much.  
__My silence is my self defense._

_  
  
___

_            A few days later found us lounging around in the living room. I was working on some java script and Duo was reading a book on the couch. I stopped and looked up from my computer to see Duo looking at me over his book. He looks so tired, so emotionally worn down. My heart jumps as our eyes meet, and the gaze turns into something more. I get up and move to sit next to him. He moves his legs over to give me room as I sit down against the many throw pillows. Duo sits forward to put his marker in the book and lays it on the table in front of him. As I look into his eyes I can hear the whimpers and cries from that night. Suddenly something inside me seems to snap and I reach forward impulsively pulling him into a tight embrace. He makes no move to push me away, yet does not embrace me either. As I hold him all my fears and insecurities melt away to reveal a quiet calm. I breath his sent in, relishing the sent of shampoo and cologne. It all feels so natural and so right, like we were meant for this._

            I hold him tightly to me as the realization creeps over me that I am afraid to let go and see his face. I have no idea if this is welcomed or a violation. Finally I let go and watch as he stares at me with a look of utter astonishment. Suddenly I feel trapped, unknowing of what will come next I panic. I stand abruptly and leave Duo sitting alone on the couch.

  
  
_And every time I've held a rose,  
__It seems I only felt the thorns.  
__And so it goes, and so it goes,  
__and so will you soon I suppose.  
  
  
_____

            I retreat to my study where my laptop sits on my desk, covered by magazines and clutter. I stand in front of a huge window that covers one wall and stare into the small forest that surrounds the house. My mind is racing though the events that had just happened and keeps returning to the feeling I had while holding Duo. I am so wrapped up in introspection that I don't hear Duo come in and seat himself at my desk. I stand there franticly thinking from one event to another trying to place the feelings I had, but to no avail. Finally I turn to see Duo staring at me from behind my desk. I just stand frozen, waiting for an explanation to come to mind.

  
"What just happened there Heero?" he questions.   
  


            I just stood there; my feet planted firmly to the floor as he gets up and walks over to where I am standing. I watch as he slides his arms around my waist and tucks his head against my chest. My mind reels at his touch and I panic pushing him away. He looks up at me with sadness and regret in his eyes. He then turns and runs from the room slamming the door behind him.

  
  
_But if my silence made you leave,  
__than that would be my worst mistake.  
  
  
_____

            Suddenly it became completely and totally clear. Everything that I have ever wanted, ever needed, just ran out the door. I run out of the room and dash down the hall and into Duo's bedroom to find him lying on the bed crying into his pillow. I grab him and hold him to me, fervorently whispering apologies. He looks up at me, violet eyes stained with tears, and our lips meet in a chaste kiss.

_   
  
____So I will share this room with you,  
__and__ you can have this heart to break.  
  
  
_____

_            He fell asleep in my arms. All the sleepless nights had finally caught up with him. I lay there holding him closely, listening to his leveled breathing. I thought about everything that had happened and my revelation. My life had always been lived for others. I fought the war for the colonies; my life was not mine, but theirs. When the war ended I was suddenly granted a life that was never mine to live. After all that time had passed I realized that I had chosen my life a while ago, but never admitted my decision to even myself._

  
"I love you Duo." I whisper as I drift off.

  
  
___And this is why my eyes are closed,  
__it's__ just as well for all I've seen.  
__And so it goes, and so it goes.  
__And you're the only one who knows.  
  
  
_____

            The next morning I awoke in Duo's bed, but Duo was already awake. I get up and dress as I lumber into the kitchen to find Duo cooking pancakes.

  
"Good Morning Heero!!" He beams as he hugs me and kisses my forehead. 

  
"Morning." I breathe as he moves back to the stove.  
  
__

_            He is so beautiful. I'm standing in the middle of the kitchen staring at him as he flips pancakes high in the air, unaware of the fact that I have been standing there for a while. He moves around me to set the plates at the table.   
  
_

"Would you rather have blueberry or buttermilk?" he questions. 

  
"Hn." I reply. "Whatever you're having."

After a quiet breakfast I go into the living room to sit on the couch amongst the pillows to watch the sun rise out the picture window. Duo joins me bringing with him two cups of tea and some sugar. We sit there next to each other watching the sun rise in silence sipping our tea and stealing glances at the other. 

  
"Stay with me Duo." I whisper still looking out the window.

  
"But we live together already." he states simply.

  
A few minutes go by with silence.  I take another sip of tea and sigh.

  
"Stay with me forever."

_  
  
____So I would choose to be with you,  
__that's__ if the choice were mine to make.  
__But you can make decisions too,  
__and__ you can have this heart to break._

_   
  
__"I love you Duo; I've never loved anyone else, not even myself. I will understand if you don't want me." I confess._

  
He looks at me under thick chestnut bangs and smiles crookedly. He leans forward into the morning sunlight and I notice the tears streaming down his face.

  
"Of course I want you." he whispers softly.

_  
  
__And so it goes, and so it goes,  
__And you're the only one who knows._


End file.
